As pictures of nubile young ladies frolicking in the sea start to appear on the Daily Mail’s front page, it seems official that, until the foreseeable future, Summer is here. So, for many it’ll mean overweight men in shorts from Primark topless, groups of teenagers reclining in any patches of grass they can find wearing things that you could only find a Rihanna video, and gangs of LADS careen around in souped up cars that sound like Air Force One has been hit by a flock of chainsaws

Sounds wonderful doesn’t it? Well, not really. When the slightest bit of Sun hits Britain people seem to lose their minds. It’s the equivalent of catnip, but for easily lead idiots.

What is it that makes people obsess about taking off as much clothes as shy strippers and parading around like their shit doesn’t stink? Well, I don’t know, and that’s not why you’re here either.

You’re here because I hate the Sun. For me, the gradual transition from weather so cold that layers are not only advisable but also a good way to stave off instant frostbite, through to clement, bearable levels of weather that frequently flips between temperatures like Katie Price does with husbands. 

The thing that I hate the most about the Summer is that it’s acceptable to do nothing. It’s actively encouraged that you’ll spend hours at a time doing nothing but absorbing some potentially cancerous lightwaves. How has that become an accepted thing? Who’s decided that instead of rushing around like people do normally, they’ll instead take up a seat in a park or lie down on the grass and do nothing. 

I’m not the most active of people. The thought of even walking to a garage can sometime make me want to hurl myself from the nearest bridge (which I would seriously consider if I was closer to it; it’s the walk you see) but there’s always something I know I need to do. Putting it off has become a dark art for me; I’m the Marquis of putting stuff off for another day. How does this knowledge and anxiety just dissipate for people once those rays hit them for the first time? 

Is it like a form of amnesiac radiation? Because that is what it seems to be. 

And another thing; what the Hell happens to your eyes once you come out of the Sun? Everything goes bluey-green and dark. What’s that caused by? The same amnesiac radiation? Will sitting in the Sun for an extended period of time turn us into colour blind amnesiacs? Because that would awful…wouldn’t it?