Welcome to a guide of how to boil two eggs with sufficient heat that you probably won’t die from severe diarrhoea and bed sores. 

Things You’ll Need

  • 2 eggs (make sure that they’re stamped because if not, they might be human eggs)
  • 2 eggcups (you can also use shot glasses if you want)
  • 2 pans (1 for boiling, one for tepid water)
  • Salt (no pepper, it’s disgusting on eggs. Fact.)
  • Toaster
  • 2 slices of bread
  • A cutting implement and a scooping implement.

Here’s The Science Bit

  1. Fill both the pans with water from the tap. Start to boil the water in one of the pans. This is going to be where the magic happens. Put the two eggs into the other pan. [This is only necessary if the eggs are coming out of the fridge and will stop them cracking when they go into the boiling water. If you’re just in from the shops and am making them straight away, don’t bother.]
  2. Wait for the water to boil. When it’s boiling like a good’un, press down onto the toaster and plop the eggs into the boiling water. Be careful that you don’t drop them in because they could crack on the bottom of the pan and you’ll get some scarily looking floaters. If the egg does crack, and you’ll know whether it does because the insides will spill out, it’s not a big deal really, but the yolk probably won’t be a sloppy as you might like. 
  3. Count for four minutes (280 seconds) or use a timer. This is sort of the optimum time that I’ve found out. 
  4. Hopefully, if done right, in the 280 seconds you can grab the toasted bread from the toaster, butter it and cut it into dainty strips ready for dipping. Remove the eggs after the time is up and pop them into the bench. If you spin them and they slow down almost immediately it means that they are cooked perfectly, if they spin more than Cher Lloyd’s dad’s Wurlitzer, then put them in for another thirty seconds or so. Repeat ad nauseam. 
  5. Smash the eggs’ head in with a spoon and then decapitate them with the cutting implement. Dip the strips of toast into the gaping egg wound.