Welcome, people who are curious enough to click a link purely based on their need to know everything. This is the first in a BRAND NEW SERIES BASED ON A TOTALLY ORIGINAL IDEA that sums up the past week in soap in three easy steps. You won’t need to know anything else information other than what it held within these words. Which in this modern World of 24 hour McDonalds and “smartphones”, is a great gift. It’s the gift of efficiency. So without further ado:


It’s been another week of “Eastenders In Crisis” as the Daily Mail has decided to phrase it, as even more members of the cast (notice how we glossed over using the word ‘stars’, we’re not liars here) have decided to leave the show, some briefly, some permanent. 

Matt Lapinkas, the dolt who dragged Anthony Moon screaming from someone’s imagination and into life has been sensationally axed from the show. Whether this is true or not doesn’t really make a difference because no one cares about the character enough to object. 

As one part of the dramatic new branch of the Moon family, brought in alongside David Essex and the other one who’s porking Jacqueline Jossa, they were set to light up the Square with their witty dialogue and “eye for the ladies,” when in fact, the only eye for the ladies he had was for a one who wanted to win back her gay husband. ‘Disappointing’ was the phrase best used for these characters. Oh, and ‘useless.’ Actually, there’s a lot of words that can be used to describe these characters. Perhaps it would be easier to use words that don’t describe them: ‘integral’, ‘well developed’, ‘clean.’

In other news, it’s been confirmed that Adam Woodyat, him that’s played Ian Beale since the beginning of time, will be taking a break from filming over the Summer to play foosball perhaps, or really get into his kilning. Ian will have a breakdown or something and showing some issues about mental health.

This takes the number of people taking extended breaks to a massive amount. At this rate, it’ll only be Mr Papadopoulous and Winston carrying us through until the big Winter story lines. But what magnificent stories they will be. 

But that’s not all! There’s some new additions to the cast coming soon. That being Derek’s son, Joey, who’s being billed as someone who “tells it like it is, but is in fact, a compulsive liar.” Brilliant. 

Coronation Street

As we’ve waved goodbye to legendary racist Nigel Pivaro AGAIN, there’s also been upset in the ranks of The Street, as it’s been reported that Michelle Collins will be leaving at the end of her contract next year for the sake of her children. Which is sweet if you think about it. Children are important, they’re the future and all that shit, but why take a job that you probably don’t think you’d enjoy the commute of? Think it through Collins, come on now. 

It turns out that she isn’t leaving after all, so disregard that opinion. 

There’s nothing really else going on in Soap News regarding Corrie, so there’s been lots of stories from Michelle Keegan drawling on about how important Tina’s story this week. Boo.


It’s the same with Emmerdale really. While Zak has been lost of the moors, irritating everyone by his random words (but secretly thrills us with the mention of Butch, the forgotten Dingle) no ones bothered to tell us about the important issues. Like how is Frank Turner still getting paid?