If, like us, you find the thought of doing something outdoors as abhorrent as eating something in Peter Andre’s newest cesspool of a cafe, then we’ve got your backs bruv with our handy list of what you should be watching and what you can say you’ve watched but haven’t really.

One To Watch

Hidden Talent, Channel 4, 9:00pm

If you had the opportunity to watch Richard Bacon’s recent look into trolls and the actual effect that they can have on real World relationships then you’ll probably be looking forward to his next TV project; a look at how far natural talent can be honed and melded to produce something extraordinary. 

Tonight Brenda, 63, who can pick out a liar with 80% accuracy learns skills from the actual FBI (although we suspect it might be the Speakmans branch of the FBI, like the Paul McKenna branch of the X Files, or the Gemma Collins branch of WeightWatchers). To be quite honest, seeing a 63 year old woman starting her own hard boiled crime drama like The Wire or CSI: Brighton is far too brilliant compared to the second story on tonight’s Hidden Talent; a nurse who trains in rock climbing. We’ve all seen Cliffhanger. Bore off.

One To Say You’ve Watched

Britain Unzipped, BBC3, 9:00pm

What outstays it’s welcome like a canker sore but just as irritating? Russell Kane of course! How the anthropomorphised version of Russell Brand’s left testicle has managed to carve a career with such little talent has baffled us for years. Luckily he leaves the country to cover ‘I’m A Celebrity…’ for a number of months of the year, so we do get a bit of a break from not watching him. 

Together with the BBC’s Brand New Thing (copyright 2012) Greg James, they look at the true behaviour and what really goes on behind closed doors. 

If the public’s fascination with sordid secrets is anything to go by, and the brilliant ‘My Phone Sex Secrets’ shows us that you sick monsters can’t get enough of it, there’s a definite market for it, but teaming up a puppy on amphetamine with a man who’s main claim to fame is slamming one into Ellie Goulding is going to be a mistake.