Good day faithful followers of fashionable fluff. Here’s a quick story (heavily influenced by Herman’s Hermits)
I woke up this morning feeling fine, there’s something special on my mind. Not a girl in the neighbourhood. That would be ridiculous wouldn’t it? I had, by my standards a busy day of things to do. Various eBay related nonsenses making this my third visit to the Post Office in as many days; applying for some jobs so the person at the Job Centre doesn’t tear a strip off me for doing nothing with my life, but mainly my day would be spent not losing my mind over the current state of my wardrobe.
It sounds like a fickle and completely ridiculous things to say, or even be worried about, but it’s either reminiscent of my boredom being unemployed and feeling like the bottom rung of a ladder made of excrement, or a long standing problem that I’ve not been able to do anything about due to limited (ie. almost depleted) funds. Like how you might be really annoyed by a wall in your living room not being wide enough, or too thin so you can hear your neighbours bonking next door. There’s nothing that you can do about it really (unless you’re Anna Ryder-Richardson) and it just plays on your mind.
The problem I have with my wardrobe is that I’ve somehow managed to fall into the trap of having one common colour recurring again and again in almost every item. I was almost going to say “piece” instead of “item” but that would’ve turned me into Gok Wan and that would go against everything that this blog is about. The recurring colour thing might not be a problem if the colour is an inviting colour that Pantone has decided is totally great and given a snazzy numerical value to, but it isn’t. It’s one of the most depressing colours: navy.
Navy is horrible. It’s the colour that likes to masquerade as not being black, even though it’s only one step away from being so. A dull and listless colour that shows up everywhere that workwear erupts like a spot on the face of fashion. Navy pinstripe, a shiny navy sheen as seen on The Apprentice and the 80s. Navy is calling itself an alternative to boring black like Lady Gaga is calling herself an updated Madonna. It’s hideous.
And what makes the matter worse is that you can’t even wear two navy things together because you’ll resemble a wall covering.
So what is someone to do when it seems like navy has taken over your wardrobe? What other alternatives are there?
Go for some neon brights that blind bus drivers so they careen into nearby bus stops? Don’t be daft, this is Sunderland we’re talking about, not Club Tropicana, Romford. The only neon showing up in Sunderland is the flashing sign for ‘Hetty’s Sex Emporium and Sweet Shop.’ Not a good way to go.
What about autumnal shades like brown or green? Well, this would be good if I wanted to blend in with almost everyone else walking around Sunderland without a care, or job, in the World. Sunderland’s cuffed chino quota has almost knocked the Sang Hwang factory in Shanghai out of business due to large demand. And I would rather stab myself in the eye with a pair of Toms than wear cuffed chinos. They make you look like you may be expecting to shit yourself and don’t want it to roll on the floor, embarrassing you and Chantal-Alisha-Dixon-Hunt, your fifth child to fourth mother. I’m not a LAD, I don’t want to look like The Wanted, and I don’t want to look like a T4 presenter (mainly Nick Grimshaw).
Well what about all these Summer brights that GQ and various other websites are telling us about? Bright green jeans? Bright red Oxford shirts? Pink chinos? All a bit of crock. Why so? Because I’m not a toddler. Why would I dress like a toddler if I wasn’t going to one of Gary Glitter’s special parties? It might be suitable for people who think that Topman is the height of sartorial elegance and haven’t even heard of “flared jeans”, but for people who can’t name all members of You Me At Six these are beyond bizarre.
What about all those fancy printed shirts dotted around? I saw one with bananas on the other day in River Island or somewhere, which was pretty brilliant. But wearing one of those with a hefty chest like mine would look like I was advertising a plantation, not my homage to the 1950s.
And pastels? Well pastels can bugger off with navy. I’m not at work, so don’t make it look like I am.
As usual, it seems that I have got myself into a fashion paradox: I want to wear some fancy things, but living in Sunderland almost forbids it (under pain of being mocked by a Hollister loving chav), which means that sombre colours like navy and grey are the nearest things that you can get to an adventurous pallet. This obviously reflects on your character, if you wear depressing colours, you’ll feel the same, but what happens when you contemplate wearing fancy things?
What do you lot wear instead of navy? What’s your favourite colour that you seem to buy unintentionally?